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 {Straight From the Heart}   *Always and Forever*  4/27/00
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 ALWAYS & FOREVER

 By: Lisa Maria

 There is something wonderful about a mother's love.  While I did not receive
 any from mine, there was a special woman in my life who demonstrated what
 pure love is, from the time I was born, until her passing in March 1999 at 95
 years young.

 My mother (while I don't hold any anger towards her and do love her deeply),
 was never there for me growing up.  My parents divorced when I was four.
 That was when I became an adult.  I never had a childhood, never felt I was a
 loved child by my parents but I had an angel here watching out for me.  Who
 is this incredibly unselfish person?  My father's mother.  My grandmother.

 From the time I was a small child, she would sew my hems on old dresses.
 Replace lost buttons.  Teach me how to towel dry my hair. Take me shopping
 for new clothes and always cook me my favorite meals.  She would watch my
 sister and I when my mother was out and about with her friends or the new man
 of the hour.
 Grandma was never unavailable for me.

 When I was between the age of 10 through 15, my Grandma would take the bus at
 70 years of age, to come see me.  The bus ride was from the valley to
 Westwood.  Every Saturday we would go to Santa Monica's Ocean Ave. Bluff and
 feed the pigeons.  Grandma would bring the bread.  This was a ritual until I
 started driving at 15.  I would pick her up but our lunches on Saturday never
 stopped, nor our jaunt to feed the birds.

 My grandmother was a kind woman.  Although I was very young and really taking
 care of myself, I had her guidance and wisdom.  Wisdom she taught me without
 words, solely by actions.  My father rarely saw me or my Grandma.  This was
 very hurtful for me.  I felt abandoned and rejected.  I was angry.  At 10 I
 asked my Grandma why she never got angry at my Dad for not coming to visit or
 calling on holidays and birthdays.  She told me that she loved my Father and
 that if he felt he needed to be away from her, she understood and still
 cherished him in his years of absence.  She told me not to be angry at him,
 that he was only doing the best he knew how and he was my only Father I will
 ever have.  She told me I needed to forgive him and reach out to him when I
 wanted to see him.  I weighed her advice and always knew in my heart that her
 words were right and true.  I instinctually knew she was love and I forever
 tried to be just like her in all her beauty.

 My Grandfather died when I was seven.  I loved him so much.  My mother
 wouldn't let me go to his funeral because she thought I was too young (her
 way of denouncing my love for someone special to me).  I still hurt from that
 but I do forgive her.  My Grandfather passed away 4 days before my birthday
 after making me a promise he was going to get well for my party after having
 a stroke.  I knew at that young age he loved me so much that he lied.  I knew
 he wouldn't be coming.

 After my Grandfather died, my grandmother never grieved.  I never saw her
 cry, never; until she grew old and her body had a series of strokes which she
 fought off, regaining all her mobility's.  Her last stroke was in December
 1998.  This paralyzed her entire right side and she was now bedridden.  She
 was ready to die.  I was ready to let her go.

 One day many years back, shortly after my Grandfather died I asked my Grandma
 why she never cried over losing Grandpa.  I asked, "Didn't you love him?"
 She replied with something that prepared me for the journey somewhere in time
 when she would leave me.  She answered that she loved my grandpa so much.
 That she had 45 years to love him and so many wonderful memories of their
 times together that there wasn't anything to cry about.  She said she felt
 blessed to have had such a wonderful love and that he would be with her
 always and forever.  I was too young to really embrace what she was teaching
 me.  I didn't even realize that it meant something so incredible until three
 months after her passing.  Driving somewhere in Los Angeles it hit me in the
 car like a bullet.  I couldn't figure out why I had not grieved the loss of
 the only person in my life who loved me enough to take the time to know
 everything about me. What I loved, who I loved, how I felt about politics and
 humanity.  We spent 36 years loving each other deeply.  I spent the majority
 of my free time with her.  As often as we could, we were inseparable.

 My Grandmother loved life.  She stayed awake in every aspect.  She walked for
 miles every day and did her exercises and ate healthy foods without salt.
 She wanted to live a long life.  As the years passed she had many accidents.
 She was growing more fragile with every fall or stroke.  At 90 she broke her
 hip and the doctors said it was a 50/50 chance she would survive an operation
 for a hip replacement due to the anesthesia.  She weighed a mere 97 pounds on
 her 5'8" frame.  A frame which shrunk (old age does that) to a tad above 5'.
 Of course, she had so much love and love for life in her, she made it and
 went through the rehab and was walking again in no time.

 The things I was taught growing up with her are invaluable looking back now.
 She never had a harsh word for anyone, not even my Mother who was physically,
 verbally and emotionally abusive.  She taught me to see the good in mankind.
 She never gave me guilt trips when I had not called or seen her for some
 time.  She would always greet me with, "Honey, I love you so much, I've
 missed you, how are you?"  When I would have to leave she always said the
 same thing throughout my life which was, "Enjoy yourself, Enjoy life, Enjoy
 everything, Just be happy honey. I love you so much."  I would respond, "I
 love you so much too. You're my best friend in the whole wide world.  Forever
 & Always.  She would then say her last words on my departure, " Forever &
 Always."

 It was clear, and she readily admitted she was staying alive to see me
 married and to hold my first baby.  She never got that wish.  She promised to
 take care of that from Heaven.

 I had my own physical problems due to auto accidents which made it difficult
 to visit as often as I had prior to 1989.  In 1989 she had her first major
 stroke.  I was at such a loss and in tears all choked up every minute of
 every day until she came around again.  It was the first time in my life that
 she couldn't recognize me and I was scared I was about to lose her.  Had I
 lost her then, I would have grieved so deeply.  But I was blessed with ten
 more years to learn what love, pure love, really meant.  As I left the
 hospital one day shortly after her stroke I prayed a prayer that I would
 repeat for the next ten years that followed.  My prayer was to please be with
 her when she passed away.  That I wanted to be holding her hand, there for
 her in the end as she had been there for me in life.  The most beautiful day
 of my life, was the day she passed away.  I never grieved her loss, never.

 The day I got the phone call from my sister saying that Grandma was rushed to
 the hospital she was really sick, I knew this was it.  Three weeks prior to
 this she had a major heart attack and was out of the hospital in 3 days.  But
 this 29th day of March, 1999 was the day my life changed forever & always.

 My Grandmother was talking to me up until five minutes before her last
 breath.  I whispered in her ear that it was okay for her to leave me.  I
 would be okay.  That she would watch over me in heaven and be the one to make
 sure my life was complete.  She accepted that responsibility by saying, "I
 will."  My sister and her family was in the hospital waiting area while my
 Father and I were in her room.  She had an IV in her neck because they could
 not find any veins anymore and she strained to look to her left where my
 Father sat holding her healthy hand.  I asked her if she wanted me to take
 out her dentures and she responded, "Yes."  I took her right hand, the hand
 that was somewhat paralyzed from one of her old strokes.  I stroked her hair
 and sang You are my sunshine to her but failed to sing the last line.  I had
 my face gently pressed up against her right cheek telling her I loved her
 forever and always.  I told her she was my best friend in the whole wide
 world and kissed her cheek.  I told her it's okay. We were here.  She looked
 at me and said, "Forever and always, I love you."  It only took a few more
 moments.  I was watching her breathing.  I wanted to see everything and be
 there for her to the end.  I watched her swallow as if she was swallowing
 air.  She did it one ore time, very gently and peacefully.  She was gone.  I
 cried briefly but never again.  I felt guilty for a while thinking I should
 be more sad.  But I didn't really feel she left me.  I felt she was in the
 room with me in a way that was so much bigger than ever before.  I cried out
 of happiness with the realization that a ten year prayer was answered.  I WAS
 there with her, HOLDING HER BEAUTIFUL HAND, the one that nurtured me, held
 me, touched me so much in life.  I realized there was nothing to cry about.
 That I was blessed to have had her love all those years.  That I now
 understood what she taught me at age 7.  She was with me all my life.  What
 is there to cry about?  Nothing.  She will be with me, as I will be with her,
 FOREVER & ALWAYS.  And I learned how beautiful death was.  And I am not
 afraid to die.  I am living my life the way my Grandmother taught me.

 To enjoy myself, each precious moment, everything, to simply be happy. I am
 alive and the love we had is alive and my life is fully blessed.  I cherish
 it because of her.  All the good, right, pure in me, is everything she WAS...

  ©2000
 Lisa Maria
 LMN777@aol.com

 Send Lisa an email and let her know what you thought of her story!

 ================================================
 A little bit about Lisa:

  I live in the Los Angeles area and have all my life.  I have been writing
 for 30 of my 37 young years.  I write everything from poetry and prose to
 scripts and lyrics as well as technical manuals for my professional career as
 a Financial Controller & Financial Consultant to Fortune 500 companies.   I
 presently create designer jewelry, with many invention patents pending and
 have a wide variety of hobbies that include photography of various bands that
 play in the Los Angeles area.  Thank you for reading my story.
  ================================================

   _
 /_/\/\    MICHAEL T. POWERS
 \_\  /    THUNDER27@aol.com   http://members.aol.com/Thunder27/index.html
 /_/  \    "For I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but
 \_\/\ \   Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body I live for the Son
    \_\/   of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."  Galatians 2:20



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