MARKING THE LINES

You and your friends want to play some pickup football (touch, flag, tackle--whatever you prefer). You've got a ball. You've got a wide-open place to play. And you've got even teams.

Before you start the game, though, there's one important thing you have to do. You have to set your boundaries--sidelines, goal lines, and end lines. You have to determine what's inbounds and what's out-of-bounds.

You could try playing without boundary lines, but things would probably get frustrating and confusing pretty quickly. If you're going to play the game right, you need to know how far you can go. You need to know how much room you have to work with.

The same goes for sex.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "SEX"?

God's plan is for guys and girls to save sex until marriage. (That sound you hear is millions of Christian parents and church leaders nodding their heads in agreement.) But that leads to a pretty obvious question: What is sex? And what, exactly, are you supposed to save?

To put it in football terms, where are the boundary lines? How much room do you have to work with? How far can you go? (That sound you hear is millions of Christian parents and church leaders going, "Um, um...")

It's not like there's a shortage of opinions on the subject. Lots of Christian guys have set boundaries for themselves, sexually speaking. The problem is finding agreement on where those boundaries belong.

Tony
When the Bible talks about sex, it's talking about intercourse. Or whatever you want to call it. That's what "two people becoming one flesh" means. That's what I'm saving for marriage. So if somebody asks me if I'm a virgin, I say yes. Even though I've had oral sex and stuff like that. Because those things don't count. They're not really sex.

Luis
I think there's a difference between teasing and sex. Teasing is when you're just messing around. You know, exploring bodies and stuff. How else are you gonna learn? You've gotta find out what feels good to a girl. Otherwise your wife's gonna be bummed on your wedding night. I say as long as you don't have an orgasm, it's not really sex.

Justin
I believe there's a difference between having sex and making love. I don't think God wants people doing it just because they feel like it or because they're drunk or whatever. But if you love someone, it's different. Then it's making love. It's something beautiful instead of something sleazy.

Mike
I think it depends on the person. There are some things I can do and not feel guilty about. But if another guy does the same thing, he might feel guilty. You have to be true to yourself. Don't make decisions based on what other people do or what other people tell you is right. Do what's right for you--and the person you love.

Shon
I don't really have a choice. My girlfriend won't let me do anything more than kiss her. I tried to get a little more a couple times, but she threatened to dump me. So now I'm a good boy. Well...almost. I told her I'd do the kissing thing. But I also told her she had to make it worth my while. And she has. She's a great kisser.

Kip
I made a pledge to save sex for marriage. To me that means not doing anything with a girl that I wouldn't want my future wife doing with another guy. I know it sounds weird. Especially since I have no clue who my future wife will be. But it just seems fair, you know?

How do your views of what's "too far" compare with these? How would you explain your boundaries when it comes to sex?

How do you think God feels about your boundaries? Think carefully before you answer. Raging hormones and wishful thinking have been known to cloud guys' judgments. With enough incentive, you could justify an orgy. And if you're really good, you could even make it sound biblical.

But God isn't swayed by lame excuses or desperate rationalizations. And fooling yourself is never a good idea, especially when the stakes are so high.

MYTH BUSTING

So how does an unmarried guy like you come up with a clear guideline for his love life? How can you enjoy the pleasures of the opposite sex without misusing your body?

You can start by finding out for yourself what God expects of you. You'd be surprised by how many well-meaning Christian guys have set sexual standards for themselves based on myths and mistaken ways of thinking when it comes to God and his Word. To help you avoid that mistake, let's take a look at three of the most common myths that can trip you up.

Myth #1: The Bible's silence is our gain.
You can search every book of the Bible and not find a verse that says oral sex before marriage is a sin. Nor will you find a passage about undressing a girl or tongue kissing. In fact, you won't find many specific guidelines about what's okay and what's not for sexually curious guys.

Some people use this fact to support the argument that (almost) anything goes. Their attitude is: If the Bible doesn't outlaw it, I'm allowed to do it.

The problem with this line of thinking, however, is that it assumes the Bible is nothing more than a rule book. A list of do's and don'ts. A fat book with countless ways God wants to ground us. And that's a really lame way to look at God's Word.

The Bible is actually more like a treasure map. A detailed plan for discovering the awesome things God has planned for you. A guide for making the best possible choices for yourself in every situation.

There's an old story about comedian W.C. Fields, who was quite well-known for his drinking, fooling around, and unwise lifestyle choices. Toward the end of his life--while Fields was living in a sanatorium--a friend entered his room and found Fields thumbing through a Bible. The friend was astonished. "Bill, I've never seen you with a Bible or within a mile of a church. What are you doing?" he asked.

"Looking for loopholes," Fields answered.

That story's kind of amusing as a joke, but it's tragic as a human episode. Now, if you are looking for loopholes in God's Word, you're missing about 99.9 percent of what it has to offer.

Besides, the Bible isn't nearly as silent on sexual matters as some people would like to believe. You can find plenty of clues scattered throughout Scripture that reveal God's attitude toward sexual experimentation.

One of the first clues can be found in 1 Corinthians 6:18: "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body."

Look at that first sentence again. Run away from sexual immorality. Think of it as a ticking bomb at the beginning of an action movie. The people who see it and run away as fast as they can will probably survive. But the arrogant "expert" who thinks he can defuse it by himself will end up getting smeared across the room.

That's the kind of danger sexual temptation presents. If you're conceited enough to believe you can mess around with it safely, you're in for a nasty surprise. It's a matter of direction: If you're running away from sexual temptation, you're heading in one direction. If you're trying to see how close you can get to the boundary line without going over, you're heading in the opposite direction. And you have to admit that doing the opposite of what God commands is always a bad idea.

Clue number two can be found a few books later in the New Testament: "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." That's what Ephesians 5:3 says. Not even a hint. Talk about setting the bar high!

Guys can make all the pitches they want about why certain things technically shouldn't be considered sex. But if those things have even a hint of sexual immorality, they're off limits.

Ephesians 5:3 makes that crystal clear.

And then there's clue number three, which comes courtesy of Colossians 3:5: "Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry."

That doesn't sound like a God who's wishy-washy when it comes to his people playing around with sex. As far as he's concerned, you're in a fight to the finish with sexual sin. If you don't destroy it, it will destroy you. No matter how harmless it may seem right now.

Like it or not, God isn't going to spoon-feed you every bit of information you need to stay sexually pure. He's not going to supernaturally highlight every relevant verse in your Bible. Discovering his truth is your job. And it's not always an easy thing to do. Especially with so many other so-called truths competing for your attention. But if you commit yourself to learning what his Word says about sexual purity, he will help you discover his truth.

Myth #2: Setting sexual boundaries for yourself will take care of your problem.
Don't get me wrong. When it comes to sex, setting physical limits for yourself is a great idea. Especially if you commit yourself to respecting those limits. But it won't solve your problem completely.

You see, your fight isn't just physical; it's mental and spiritual, too. Jesus made that clear when he said, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). How's that for a standard?

You can keep your pants zipped from now until your wedding day, but it won't keep you safe from sexual sin. The male imagination is a state-of-the-art, industrial-strength machine--especially when it's churning out sexual fantasies. Guys are ingenious when it comes to imagining erotic scenarios. There's no situation we can't turn into a sexual one if we just put our minds to it. So no matter where you draw the line physically, you still have to contend with your eyes and your thoughts.

Myth #3: More than anything else, God wants us to enjoy his gift of sex.
Don't be fooled into thinking that your enjoyment is at the top of God's priority list. It's not. "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God...For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life." I didn't say that; the apostle Paul did in 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7.

God wants you to be pure. He wants you to obey him. He wants you to honor him in the things you do and say. He wants you to live your life as an example to others. That's what God wants. You can certainly enjoy yourself doing those things. But enjoyment isn't your ultimate goal--not if you're serious about living a life that pleases God.

You see, this isn't about getting what you want. It's about giving up what you want--for God's sake. "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body." Those are Paul's words again, from 1 Corinthians 6:19-20.

God has a purpose for you. And getting as much as you can from girls isn't part of it. Living a holy life is a 24-7 commitment. You can't call time-out, go mess around for a while, and then come back to it. To be holy you have to completely change your perspective on satisfying your urges.

That doesn't mean you have to live like a monk and shut yourself off from the world. God's not boring! As I mentioned in chapter 1, he's the One who created the pleasure centers in your body. But living a holy life does mean you have to learn to say no to your body--even when it's screaming for action.

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Taken from "When Young Men Are Tempted" by Bill Perkins and Randy Southern, copyright 2007, Youth Specialties/Zondervan. Used by permission. Order the book here.
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